Marriage coach, Nike Folagbade has dished out a piece of advice to married women on how to differentiate their husband as their head and as their lover.
Taking to her Instagram page, the writer talked about how she used to read wrong meanings to her husband’s facial expressions at the beginning of her marriage; a mistake many women are still making today.
According to her, she could not differentiate him as her head and as her lover since she wanted the latter.
However, Nike Folagbade noted that it was later when their child was grown that she discovered she has been misinterpreting a lot about her husband.
In her words;
“In the early years of our marriage, I used to read wrong meanings to my husband’s facial expressions.
I couldn’t really place the swift change that authority brings in marriage. I expected that every single moment would be sweet and spicy. Oh why not? But I could not differentiate him as my head and him as my lover. I wanted only the latter.
So I would get angry and misinterpret everything as rejection and hatred. I was so focused on his body language and not his heart.
You know how you would scold your child when they are wrong and your face can read many things at that moment but deep down what you have is extreme love for your child? That kind of scenario.
So for like 2 years, whenever he displayed such, I would continue to play out the narrative of hatred and rejection in my mind.
Do you know that the narrative you give yourself about your spouse is very important?
That narrative will determine so much because it represents the filters you are using to judge your spouse. This filter can be influenced by what you saw your father did, your mother or even an authority figure.
Later, when our child was grown and my in-law could come around too, I saw him display the same facial expressions to them and it hit me!
I was misinterpreting his irritation language. Just because he gave that face at that moment didn’t even mean anything.
How could I have been getting it wrong all this while? I mean, how did I see hatred and rejection? And it’s so funny how he will try to play with me thereafter and I’ll start sulking. And at some point, he began to wonder if he could even correct me at all? Oh, I was wrong and I started correcting my narrative.
But why do you think I acted that way? It was based on what I saw from authority figures while I was growing up. This made me withdraw from them because I thought they hated me. I couldn’t differentiate chastisement from love moments.
A broken identity will always create a broken relationship unconsciously because of wrong filters.
In what ways have you misunderstood your spouse from a place of a coloured filter?”
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